I’m a liar. I am really bad at keeping up with writing shit down…. But I’m going to start saving up for y next tattoo which I’ll get hopefully soon? Uhh soo, I guess I’m starting to make a change in my life. Not resorting to being a pessimistic piece of shit actually pays off. Things with manny are starting to work out and I can only hope that they get better from here. Granted I just probably ducked myself over by writing about him since every guy that I mention in any form of diary always has an issue, but I have a good feeling about him. But if anything I’m very very very sad that Pulse auditions are this weekend and I can’t go to them… I miss people and that whole vibe so much… Why didn’t I apply myself before… I know I could have done it…other people do it…I still have next year…

i love this song~

(Source: Spotify)

im still oh so confused. part of me wants you bad, but part of me let you go and accepted the facts. im starting to feel like im boring and not interesting. i dont want to look to deep into the little things even though thats what i always do…i think i just need to not have high expectations. dont get my hopes up. never get your hopes up.

This is quite possibly one of the longest songs ive ever heard. but its really nice~

(Source: Spotify)

i dont know if this is okay.. honestly why am i ok with this. i mean it could be a good thing. but im accepting something that would normally torment my feelings. im beyond confused nor do i know if this is acceptable. 

im so fucking done with everyone. i understand the definition of sorry and why people say it, but it simply has no meaning to me anymore. its an empty word. there’s absolutely no value in it. if you say we’re gonna do something, i go all the way and if you leave me hanging that blows a HUGE hole in trust and trust is big for me. thanks for wasting my time. im glad you had a good time doing whatever you were doing, whilst i waited and waited and waited. thank you for telling me the morning of you werent coming. thank you for ruining my fucking day. i really do not want to talk to you. i dont want to talk to anyone. its not to big of a deal but boy does this hurt. nothing you say will change my opinion on things. THIS IS FUCKING WHY IM PESSIMISTIC. THIS IS WHY I THINK THE WAY I DO. THIS IS WHY IM SURPRISED WHEN THINGS HAPPEN. thank you for solidifying my issues with people and proving to myself that nothing ever works out. fuck you for ruining my week.

dont overthink….dont you dare overthink….let it the fuck go….stop thinking….please stop……i beg you please stop thinking….youll just end up whining and complaining….stop over fucking thinking. stop it. now. fucking shit vanessa. stop it. youre not doing yourself any favors. stop. fucking stop or you know youre going to cry. stop. i know you dont want to cry so just for the love of god, stop over thinking

im such an idiot..im such an idiot…..shit oh well…..i suck.

I hate being so fucking sensitive.

how much longer will i keep telling myself that i dont care or that im ok with things. i keep getting myself into the same situations and then i wonder why i im so unattatched to people. and because of that people think im a bitch or i dont care, i just jump person to person. i lowkey care, even if it was meaningless or not, but it matters. it really does, and why im choosing to not think about it or trying to not let things get to me or basically let it go?….its probably for the best. i dont like jumping to conclusions, but this has happened enough for me to know the outcome…i am scared. i know i shouldnt be but im afraid. i dont want to jump to this conclusion anymore. not saying i have , but my gut tells me i might.  i know im making assumptions and i shouldnt but my fear and paranoia is showing, and i hate it…